Search This Blog

Tuesday 13 December 2011

The next episode...

It's hard work being an author...even if it is only part-time. As we come up to Christmas I've been finding that my day job has been taking over somewhat - my students have exams in January and it's been revision central, knowing full well that their notes will develop a thin film of mince pie crusts mixed with beer on them over the holidays - and so my writing, promoting etc has ground to a bit of a halt lately.
I think this is the first blog post I've done in nearly a month, and the first about writing and upcoming projects for even longer.

I'm back though. I finish work for Christmas on Friday, and that means I have the opportunity to get cracking on my next project - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out. This is the book I was going to write first. It's skated around in my brain since late 2001 when I was suspended from my job as a nightclub manager for accidentally locking a customer in the club overnight! The guy didn't complain, of course he didn't. He was like a kid in a candy store, but somehow head office got word of it and I spent the best part of two weeks wondering if I'd still have a job.

During those two weeks I went through a lot of emotions. The first being sleep. Finally, I could get a good night's sleep after my imitation of a bat for the previous four years. Secondly, fear. I had dropped out of my final year of university to become a nightclub manager and I thought at the time that was what I wanted to do. The late nights and partying seemed like a good thing back then, but as I sat alone in my flat for those two weeks (I was working in Dundee, quite a small town and I was keeping a low profile) I began to wonder what might have been. What if I'd stayed on and not taken the money? What if I'd chosen different A levels? What if I'd worked harder at school?

Then something bizarre happened. I got a mailer from my old school advertising an old boys dinner. I didn't think much of it until I saw a name at the bottom of the page. The name of a girl I had a crush on back at school. This was long before the days of Facebook and Friends Reunited was in it's infancy so there was little way of knowing what happened to that girl other than go to the dinner.

And that's where the idea for There Is A Light... came from. I dusted off my old PC and began to write. The first line was typically awful for a first draft - 'Suspension is something that happens to bridges, not to me.' I cringe at the thought of it. But I was pretty drunk and the excitement of getting down to writing what was originally called 'Reunion' took over. I didn't finish it. Not until I quit working in nightclubs in 2005 and was unemployed for two years. By then it had become 'This Charming Man' and went through several drafts before being submitted to agents. There was some interest, but nothing firm, and those knock-backs hit me for a couple of years until I took the plunge with 'The Surrogate'.

After a modicum of success (Top 100 humorous books Amazon UK - albeit for about an hour) and generally good feedback for 'The Surrogate' I've decided to rework 'There Is A Light...'. The main character of Callum Harrison is as close to me as I would ever allow myself to get and much of the book reflects on my own experiences of school and growing up. I just hope people enjoy reading it as much as I have writing it.

C J Evans  

Wednesday 30 November 2011

Cash for Kids

It is the start of December tomorrow and at the weekend I will be going up into the attic and getting the Christmas Tree down and putting on Fairytale of New York and maybe having a beverage or tow to celebrate the start of the festive season. Christmas, that wonderful time of the year when the shops are bulging, women are fighting over turkeys in Marks and Spencer and when adults spend most of their time fluctuating between food comas and hangovers with mild spells of drunken behaviour between. Ah, Christmas.

Call me crazy (and often people do) but I think Christmas is about more that that. At Christmas, my thoughts gravitate towards those for whom it will not be a season of goodwill, but a season of getting by. For the children that are struggling to come to terms with being parted from their parents, either by illness, death, or having been put into a foster home. Some children may be suffering alongside their parents. It's been a bleak year financially for most of us, but for some people every year is a bleak year. Whether that is through losing jobs or expected expenses, Christmas can be just another day for children.

One charity that aims to help is Cash for Kids. Most local radio stations in the UK run a campaign alongside this charity, as do ASDA to try and help the less fortunate. I applaud that. Childhood should be a time of wonder and awe and Cash for Kids looks to help kids have fond memories. Which is why I am going to be donating 100% the proceeds of my book to this charity in December. I'm not rich, but I know I'm lucky. The money I would have got from the sales of my book could have benefited me and helped me buy something I didn't really need. Or I could give it to a child who needs it which is a greater reward in itself.

This Christmas, do something unselfish. It doesn't have to be much, but if we all do a little bit, then it might make a difference to somebody's life.

C J Evans

Monday 28 November 2011

Gary Speed RIP

I was about to write about my book and the sales figures and how I'm a little bit ahead of where I wanted to be, when I read the attached article by Matthew Linley, the brother of my former flatmate. It highlights how depression and depressive illnesses can afflict the strongest of us all. The inspiration for which is the shocking news yesterday of the death of Gary Speed, the manager of the Welsh football team and former professional footballer for Leeds, Everton, Newcastle, Bolton Wanderers and Sheffield United at the age of 42.

I was driving home with my uncle and my cousin from my sister's fiance's Stag weekend when I heard the news. It was a bulletin on Radio 1 and after searching through the internet I found out how it had happened. It appears Gary Speed took his own life, leaving behind two young sons and a wife. My thoughts, as are most of the country's are with them. The conversation in the car took a turn away from the frivolity of the weekend to our own understanding of depression. My uncle talked about a work colleague, while I talked about my understanding of the disease as a Psychology Lecturer. What I didn't mention was that for some years, I have suffered from depression.

Why didn't I talk about it? There is still such a stigma to suffering from mental illness. When the British boxer Frank Bruno sought medical help for his battle with depression, the vile rag that is The Sun ran the headline 'Bonkers Bruno Locked Up'. While I would dismiss using that publication to wipe my arse with, it raised an important social point. Depression is seen by many as a weakness, a flaw in one's character. I even used to think it myself, hiding from the truth. I saw myself as weak because of the way society portrayed people who suffered with the disease. There are over 6 million people in the UK receiving treatment for mental illness at the moment. Nearly 1 in 10, a greater percentage than are physically disabled and yet there is still a stigma attached to it. Maybe it's the traditional British 'stiff-upper lip' or maybe it's that not enough people understand the illness. But the real truth is, depression is prevalent in our society. It exists and yet sufferers are forced to believe that they are weak.  They are anything but.

People  who suffer from depression face a double battle; one with themselves trying to conquer the feelings of hopelessness and despair even during those moments that others would consider to be happy ones. And they face a social battle, of having to cope with public perceptions of others that somehow they are lesser individuals because of their affliction. As Dorothy Rowe once said, 'Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer'.
Here's a list of people with depression and ask yourself are these people worth any less than me because of what they suffer?

Leo Tolstoy, author
Charles Dickens, English author,
John Keats, poet,
Michelangelo, artist
Bette Midler, entertainer
Charles Schultz, cartoonist
Dick Clark, entertainer
Irving Berlin, composer
Rosemary Clooney, singer
Jimmy Piersall, baseball player. Boston Red Sox
Burgess Meredith, actor,
Peter Illyich Tchaikovsky, composer
Charlie Pride, singer
Sylvia Plath, poet and novelist.
Janet Jackson, singer
Patty Duke, actress,
Roseanne Barr, comedian
Marlon Brando, actor
Maurice Bernard, actor
Buzz Aldrin, astronaut
Margot Kidder, Actress
Jonathon Winters, comedian
Pat Conroy, author
Ernest Hemingway, Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist,
Tennessee Williams, American playwright

And I didn't even mention Stephen Fry, Kurt Cobain, Abraham Lincoln, Isaac Newton, Van Gough, John Kirwan, Stan Collymore, Marcus Trescothick, Paul Gascoigne or many others.

Depression is not a weakness except in the eyes of the general public and it's about time that changed.

Wednesday 23 November 2011

First book blues

It's been a hectic couple of weeks since I've last written a blog. Nearly three weeks since I posted anything at all, but I do have a good reason for it. MY FIRST BOOK - THE SURROGATE- WAS PUBLISHED THIS WEEK! I must be excited, I'm using block capitals. I've been up late at night, re-writing, editing, re-editing to try and get the book out on time (I didn't) but it's finally out there and...I feel sad.

Why do I feel sad? I think the book is okay. I would have like a little more time with it, but then I probably would have procrastinated over what word to use here or there? Do I have to capitalize the A in 'ah' when I am using it as dialect to replace 'I'? Stuff like that. I'm glad it's out, but I miss it.

Is your first novel like your first child? Do you cajole it? Mother it? Tell it off when it doesn't do what you want it to? Maybe. It depends what type of parent you are I suppose. For many years I was a neglectful one, and now I've spent some time with it, I didn't want to let it go. I'm like the parents waving their first born off to university, weeping at the dorm room, hoping it'll be okay in the big bad world.

Then I remember something. I have other children. Lots of other children all craving my attention. When one flies the nest, another egg cracks. So back I go to the little office in my house and prepare to write my next novel, with one eye on how my baby is doing in the real world. Although, i might just enjoy having the house, and my head, to myself for a little while first.

C J Evans

Friday 11 November 2011

11-11-11 Remember

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

 Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)

Saturday 5 November 2011

That was the week that was...

Well, what a week that has been. Coffee spilled on a lap-top, three days of lecturing in Evolutionary Psychology, Bonfire Night, Halloween and some stomach troubles I'd rather not share with the rest of the world...but I just have.

If that weren't bad enough, I was doing my usual skim through the blogs of other Twitter users when I found an article called Self Pub Suicide. Now there are several things I could do here: 1) I could dismiss this article as literary snobbery - 2) Engage in a debate about Traditional vs Independent Publishers or 3) Descend to the level of calling names and throwing tantrums. I'm going for the fourth option. Rationality.

I see the publishing industry as not being too dissimilar to the music industry. For most writers, it's the ultimate goal to get picked up by one of the Big 6 and having their book plastered across poster sites at railway stations across the country. Personally, I'd love nothing more that to walk into Waterstones and see my book in a prominent position with a five star review from somebody famous. But for most authors, that isn't going to happen. That's a fact. Regardless of whether you get picked up by one of the Big 6 or one of their subsidiaries, as an author there is a high likelihood you are going to sell less than 1,000 copies in your first year and then get dropped. This is where being an independent has it's advantages as you just carry on writing and hope the next one will be better.

Perhaps Indie writers have lower expectations, but we know that outside of our friends and family we're going to get less sales. For most of us, the dream is not to sell thousands of books, but just to sell one to somebody we don't know. Be that a downloaded E-book or a copy through a POD publishing site, seeing our work read by somebody who wouldn't normally read our book is an achievement. Indie writers are the bands that tour in the back of a transit van, lugging their own equipment, getting their music (or stories) out for the public to judge. Often we'll get bottles throw at us on stage, sometimes we'll get a free bar, but all in all, we're at least letting people see our work. Do we sit and home and send out letters saying 'please print my book'? Sometimes. Do we dream of the big stadium gig (in this case - national distribution in leading bookstores) of course. But we don't wait for it to happen. We take risks and try and write, and write for the public to see and judge.

I don't want to say that the traditional route is not worth going down. For many people it is. If you write literary fiction or chick-lit or even crime and thrillers, it can be an incredibly profitable avenue to explore. Just like with indie authors, if you have faith in your talent, then why not give it a go. The traditional route is much like the pop music industry or even classical music. Do you think that the London Symphony Orchestra has ever played a gig in their local pub? Can you ever imagine Britney Spears or Beyonce busking in the street? No. Because they don't have to. Indie writers on the other hand do. We don't have the access to the same level of resources. We don't always fit into neat little genres or have target demographics. Yes we have rough edges and sometimes we sing out of tune, but for me, personally, I like that. We make our mistakes in public, but sometimes those mistakes lead to moments of beauty. I'd much rather be a Seasick Steve or a Jeff Buckley than a Take That or a JLS, but that's my preference. I appreciate that others will have different tastes. 

Which is the best option? Indie or Traditional? In the words of Harry Hill, there's only one way to find out - FIGHT!!!!

C J Evans

Wednesday 26 October 2011

On writing THE SURROGATE

So, it's nearly time for the release of my first book - THE SURROGATE and to be completely honest I'm working around the clock to get the editing finished in plenty of time for the release date of 11/11/11. I've barely had time to do anything else other than read and re-read and re-read the same pages again and again. In fact I've read it so many times, I don't think I'll ever read it again I'm that sick of it (insert marketing type comment here that tells people the book really isn't that bad).

All along, I've taken the approach that writing and publishing the book is more about an experience than any vain hope of success. Of course, I'd love for thousands of copies to be sold in the first weeks and to be sitting on a golden throne in a mansion with a swimming pool full of champagne by this time next year, but lets be realistic. That's not going to happen. Not until Cash My Gold send me back my throne anyway.

In recent weeks I've talked about how authors should be proud to be independent as it gives them certain freedoms over traditional authors. Pricing, release dates, marketing are all aspects of an indie authors work they have control over. Another is content.

Writing The Surrogate has made me realise how important having control over your own content is. I don't mean the plot, as I'd hope that most authors would resist any change to their well-crafted plots. What I am referring to all the little nuances that impact on a writer's style. For me, writing what is essentially a commercial work of fiction, it doesn't have that much of an impact, but there are still things I've included in the novel that I have put in there deliberately, that editors may not have understood the reasons for.

First of these is the use of Scottish dialect for some of the characters. While the book has no pretensions of being literary fiction, giving some characters an authentic voice not only adds realism, but enforces the class divide between the the middle class Tristan Shepard and his world and the working class realm of Marie McDonald. Yes, it does make it a little difficult to understand certain characters and what they say, but I find the Scots dialect one that is both humorous and humble and that's something I hope those characters will portray. Similarly, I used real locations rather than made up ones. Tristan drinks in high-end bars and goes to fancy restaurants, whereas Marie goes to fast food outlets. Using real locations also helps people reading the book who are familiar with the area to identify with the type of person the characters are. It helps me to cut out unnecessary description of areas and concentrate on the story. And it may get me a free beer or two next time I go to Edinburgh.

I do wonder if these things would have been sacrificed if I had gone the traditional route. Perhaps not, but in editing The Surrogate I've been glad not to have had to edit out some of the things that were important to me in establishing the how different the two protagonists are. And hopefully, just hopefully, it'll make entertaining reading for those who read it too.

C J Evans

Sunday 23 October 2011

I is for Indie...

Being a writer has it's advantages. Unlike any other job you can turn up in your pyjamas, you don't have to shave to go to work and can take off early for the day if you're in a bad mood. I love being a writer, even if it is only part-time, but there are downsides to it. The pay is pretty crap, you can end up working long hours and your Christmas party is pretty lame with just you sitting there in a party hart wondering if you can fit your ass on the all in one printer-scanner-photocopier like at a traditional office party. It can be lonely and so over the last week I've been trying to engage other writers, other like minds to remind me I'm not alone in the world.

I've been reading a lot of blog articles and samples of people's work. Opening my mind to other authors and points of view. It's made me feel a bit more connected to other people who are in the same boat as me. This week I've been impressed with Mike Whitacre's Injury Inn and WillowRaven's artwork. I've also been engaged by Emma Hunneyball's article 'Four Legs Good; Two Legs Bad' which examines the pros and cons of indie writing. As an indie writer, I felt I had to comment on this further.

I hate literary snobbery. I hate it with a passion. Some people may argue that it's because I lack an understanding of the literary conventions - but I have a degree in Literature and a Masters in English - so there! There is too much emphasis placed on getting a publishing deal and an agent to be seen as a 'proper' writer. It's all bullshit. As Emma points out Katie Price/Jordan has a publishing deal - no more needs to be said on that point. She sells books. It's not quality, but people who wouldn't read other works of fiction, read her books. That to me gives her just as much right to be published as anybody else.

Indie authors face a double whammy of not being able to access the editorial support and being frowned upon by the establishment. But what qualifies you to be part of the establishment? A degree in literature? Years of experience reading the same type of book? Analysing trends in literature and maing a prediction on whether something will sell or not? Tell me, is there anything there that cannot be achieved by Indie authors?

I think we need to look back in history to see how the literary establishment has embraced change. In the late nineteenth century, the advent of the printing press saw the street of Victorian England flooded with literature for the people, by the people. Books were too expensive for most people to afford. They were rented out in libraries in sections for which people had to pay subscriptions. On train journeys, people could rent a book or a volume of a book from a little shop called WHSmith and drop them off at the end of their journey. Magazines such as Pearsons and The Strand serialised novels or had short stories in them. If it weren't for magazines like these, we wouldn't have H G Wells or Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. It's because of these different outlets for reading that we have crime fiction and s/f novels now. Charles Dickens, now regarded as one of Britain's greatest ever novelists serialised his work in newspapers and was widely condemned by the literary establishment at the time as being popularist. How times have changed.

There are obvious parallels between Victorian England and the present day. Books are increasing in price, but cheaper alternatives are available. Post modern society is creating a new innovation in bookselling and as a consequence, new ideas. I love Stieg Larsson's books, but it angers me somewhat when people talk about Lisabeth Salander as the most original heroine in years. Lisabeth Salander is a staple in Cyber-punk literature and I have no doubt that cyber-punk influenced Larsson. Without a thriving paranormal romance sector, would Stephanie Myer have written Twilight? And I won't even get into the whole Shakespeare was an Elizabethan soap opera writer debate. It's the same in film, watch The Hidden Fortress and then watch Star Wars. Watch The Seven Samurai and then watch Reservoir Dogs. Let's look at music too. Without a thriving indie scene (or college rock in the US) would we have had The Smiths, The Pixies, The Arctic Monkeys? The influence of indie culture is plain for all to see.So what next? We've seen the likes of Dickens and Doyle accepted into the literary canon. We've seen the reconsideration of the likes of Raymond Chandler and Dashiell Hamnet as credible authors. In fifty or sixty years what will be considered to be part of the establishment?


Here is a simple fact: Most signed authors of 'literary fiction' sell less than 1000 copies, unless they're selected by Oprah Whinfrey or Richard and Judy to be showcased on TV. Meanwhile the Kindle revolution has seen sales of John Locke's books propel him into the Amazon Million club. Who will it be next? 

I is for Indie. It is for Innovation. It is for the inevitable change that ignorant publishers choose to ignore.

Sunday 16 October 2011

To review or not review that is the question.

It's been nearly a week since I posted sample chapters of The Surrogate online. A week of checking how many hits and downloads I've had. A week of constant promoting and tweeting and posting on Facebook to see how many more people I can reach before the launch of my book on 11/11/11 (just in case you didn't know). All in all I feel pretty satisfied with what has happened. I've nearly 250 reads on Scribd. Over 400 page views on Smashwords and I'm currently sitting on page 691 of the most downloaded free ebooks under 25,000 words written by people with the initials C J! (Not quite the initials part, but the rest is true).

It's been exciting watching people view by book. Up until last week, just two people had seen The Surrogate in any shape or form. Now I've been read by more people than have read The Tape Worm Revolution, Sperm-jackers and Red Devil Crochet Pattern for Halloween (although I think the latter might overtake The Surrogate in the next few weeks). One thing that appears to be missing though is a review. I have lots of Facebook likes, but they don't really sell the book now do they? If they did, sales of people's status would be dominating the charts at Amazon.

So how does one get a review? Send multiple copies of links to online reviewers? Which reviewers would be interested in reading my book? Where do I even send them to? As an indie author, I think the answer lies closer to home. We need to review each others work. I need to get off my own egocentric little cloud and go and read other people's work and hope they repay the compliment. Being an indie author has it's responsibilities and one of those is to support others in the community.

But there are problems with doing this. A lot of E-books I've been reading don't really fit into my category. I know very little about erotic fiction or young adult or paranormal romance. That's not to say I don't appreciate the talent and hard-work that goes into such books, I simply don't know the literary conventions. Give me a crime novel or romantic comedy and I'm fine, but I want to extend myself beyond those boundaries.

For all our differences as writers, there is one thing in common that we should look at when reviewing another's work. Is it a good story? Do I want to read more? If the answer is yes, then say so. If the answer is no, then lie...no, be honest. Tell somebody why it doesn't work for you. At the end of the day, we're all unique individuals looking to write the best story that we can and any feedback we can get, good or bad, is invaluable.

So off I go to read some of the fascinating variety of written texts on the world wide web and maybe, just maybe, crochet a Red Devil for Halloween.

C J Evans

Tuesday 11 October 2011

Into the big world wide web

So I've done it. I've posted the first three chapters of my novel The Surrogate onto Smashwords and made it available through Amazon. Yikes! Now onto the part I've dreaded. What if nobody reads it? What if people don't like it? What if I haven't outsold JK Rowling by the end of the week? Terror!

Of course I'm nervous. Having spent most of my life hiding the fact that I like writing all of a sudden I have to prove to the world that I'm a writer. That I have talent. I'm sort of like one of those acts that sets foot onto the stage of the X-factor and you don't really know what to expect. He looks a bit funny, but does that mean we are going to hear the 'song of triumph' or laughter and derision. I'm shaking as I look at the Simon Cowells and Gary Barlows of this world. I'm hoping that the Kelly Rowlands will be giving me some good ol' fashioned deep South philosophy by the time they've read the sample chapters.

The truth is I shouldn't be afraid. If just one person reads it (currently nine have downloaded it) then it's one more person than would have read it if had stayed in the dusty memory banks of my laptop. If somebody doesn't like it (and I'm sure there will be people who don't) then at least I gave them the opportunity to like it in the first place. If I don't sell as many as JK Rowling? Well, when you have nothing, a little bit more than nothing is a bonus!

This isn't for the short term for me. If I don't hear Take That's Shine as I leave the stage, then I'll be the guy who claims that he'll be back. The one who claims that nobody appreciates his talent.

"I'll show you, I'll be bigger than all of you man!"

Why so serious?

Recently, I've been thinking about why I finally decided to tell the world I wrote in my spare time. I mean, some people who know me know I've always written. I thought long and hard about it and came to the conclusion that I didn't want people to see me as just a 'writer', and by that I mean the serious type of writer, the one who sits up into the early hours of the morning wondering if an additional paragraph would flesh out their character a bit more.

There is a common misconception about writers, one that sort of extends to teachers too. It is that they take themselves far too seriously, that they spend most of their time with their nose in a book or musing away about what they can say about how the world is in decline. I'm a teacher and do you know how I spent my last weekend? Sitting in a pub with a couple of friends and my girlfriend, drinking beer, chatting away and then ordering a Chinese take-away. I was not moping in a corner pondering the futility of my existence (well not until the next day and the hangover kicked in).

I understand that people like to be moved by books, but what greater emotion is there than laughter. It can cure a broken heart, make the ill feel better, or just brighten up somebody's day. Comedy is so often underrated amongst the arts and yet one of the greatest writers in the English language wrote comedies. Yes. Shakespeare wrote comedy. I can't help imagining Big Willy standing on the stage of an Elizabethan Comedy Club asking his audience 'How art thou Stratford Upon Avon?' or 'Does it worrieth thou when thine carriage gets stuck in a ditch?'

I started out thinking I had to write serious prose to be realistic.But look around. There is comedy everywhere. From the sarcastic friend who makes quips, to the father dancing to Rhianna at his daughter's wedding. Yes, there is tragedy in the world too, but that's what makes comedy so much sweeter.

On coming out...as a writer

So I've finally done it. I crept out of the dusty closet that doubles as my office and proclaimed to the world that I, C J Evans, am a writer. I'm prepared for the raised eyebrows of friends at parties when I tell them I've spent the last two weeks not going to the pub because I was working on the latest draft of a novel. I'm ready for their questions about how I do it or why I decided to do it now after all of these years. I've got the answers to their questions about what my book is about and I've got a signed copy ready for them (for a small discount).

For most of my life, I've pretended I was something else. I took job after job and pretended that it was my vocation. I took the bus to work and bought my coffee from the Cafe Nero at Lime Street. I walked into classrooms, lecture halls, offices, each time with a broad smile on my face pretending I really wanted to be there. All the time I was thinking of something else. How I'd write the first line of the next chapter.

Writing isn't easy. I've met a lot of people who like the idea of being a writer, but lack the work ethic to make it happen. I've seen people with far more talent than I'll ever possess who can just throw together the opening paragraphs of a great novel in an instant. But what they lack, is determination. Writing is not merely about 'feeling the muse'. It's about hard graft. It's about sitting at your laptop at three in the morning wondering if your dialogue is realistic enough. It's about having sleepless nights about the syntax and grammar. It's about trudging through pages and pages of text to make sure that your protagonist is consistent. It's damn hard work.

So why become a writer? Why put myself through all of this? Simple, I have to. I don't want to get to eighty years of age and wonder, 'what if'. I write, not because I want to, but because I must.